No. 70 Why isn’t therapy working?, unrealistic expectations + relational healing
“I’ve been in therapy for months and nothing’s fixed… am I doing this wrong, or is my therapist slacking?”
This question comes up all the time — online, in my personal life, and in my therapy office — and honestly, it makes me a little nervous to answer. Not because it’s wrong to ask, but because it touches on something tender, complicated, and often misunderstood about how therapy actually works.
In this episode, I’m leaning into the therapist side of me to talk openly about expectations, progress, and the therapeutic relationship itself — and why healing isn’t a service you purchase so much as a relationship you participate in.
We talk about:
Why therapy is often framed as “I’m paying you, so fix me”
How our results-oriented culture shapes unrealistic expectations of healing
Why the relationship — not techniques or advice — is the biggest predictor of change
Therapy as a surrogate attachment relationship (and what that stirs up)
How idealizing or dehumanizing your therapist can stall progress
What mutual respect looks like in a relationship with a power imbalance
Why seeing your therapist as a real person can actually deepen safety and growth
What this doesn’t mean (you’re not doing therapy wrong, and this isn’t therapist blame)
Even if you’ve never been in therapy, this episode applies to any relationship where growth happens slowly, imperfectly, and through connection.
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Disclaimer: Everything posted here is for educational or entertainment purposes only and is not a replacement for individualized medical or mental health treatment. Please reach out to a professional therapist or doctor if you are in need of assistance. Listener questions may be specific to one individuals life or an amalgamation of common experiences and dilemmas.
Listen to full episode :
Your prescription for living well, dose for this week: Therapy isn’t a transactional “fix-me” service—it’s a collaborative relationship, and the quality of that relationship is the strongest predictor of real change. Healing happens through trust, connection, and repair, not through a therapist having the “right answers.” Seeing your therapist as a human being (within healthy boundaries) can actually deepen the work and help therapy move forward. 🌿
